#sorry mindless ramble lol. I must now attempt my mindfulness

[grimmshood]

ahhhh so gay long vent post

a bunch of people around my family have gotten or are getting married and they're all people my brother's age which like. sucks. a lot. i dont like being aware that im close to Marrying Age or whatever bc it's all that irls ever talk about now. and whenever i say i dont plan on it it's like "oh how could you be sure you cant hang out with your family forever" like . even my parents say this shit despite the fact that i've literally come out to them. you know im gay. ive explicitly said i won't get married bc i don't like men and can't marry a woman! it's not like i'd find someone anyways bc im not independent qnd i dont KNOW gay people irl. its so awesome having this constant reminder that something touted as essential since i was a little kid is something i will never have access to unless my parents DIE because they will never accept me fully. it's so awesome! and i'm surrounded by muslims who more likely than not have this same perception so unless i leave the community i've grown up in i probably wouldn't have the chance even if that happened!

and the thing is that i don't even WANT to get married. i can't even fathom dating someone, why the fuck would i get married? but the fact that i get to constantly be exposed to this is like well im glad everyone's getting to have their life experiences and grow as people and i still feel like i'm fresh out of college at 19 with no idea what i'm doing in my life. it's been three fucking years.

my dad said i might change my mind bc i started "liking girly things and wearing jewelry" God forbid i try to do something for myself without people making stupid assumptions about my future to follow it. everything is about my career and future life when i still feel stuck. i wish i would get that stupid Knock on the head or whatever that makes you start pushing through and get out of depression but it hasnt happened to me and all i got is getting bored and forgetting about stuff i should be doing. at least i got to brushing my teeth more often iguess.